The relationship rollercoaster is perhaps the most terrifying out there. You yearn during your loneliness. You lust from afar. You find tranquility in the fall. And then suddenly when the comfort comes, so does the questioning. This evolution (and chemical reaction) of lust to love can be covered with confusion. The question becomes: can you commit to riding the highs and lows of love?
All relationships could use the reminder that it’s okay to feel afraid. It’s okay to question. The truth of the matter is that those moments are not just normal, but necessary for they remind you of the growing and nurturing that can’t be skipped to get to the happily ever after. This ain’t no Monopoly game, you can’t just get lucky and “Advance to Go.”
Stop Playing ’The Game’
We go all of our lives being told that we need to play this game; a game of love, a game to win the pursuit. We are taught to live by a handful of invented rules by an anonymous creator. Rules such as:
Wait for them to text you.
Never say I love you first.
Play hard to get- keep them wanting more.
These concepts are twisted and have the ability to ruin us. If you like someone (I know this sounds crazy), tell them. Life is precious. We should be spending as much time soaking in their greatness as we possibly can. Yet, we are constantly told to play to game in order to win. To waste time pretending not to care as if the pursuit of love is a game of poker. Perhaps it is. Maybe I just don't know how to play, so I sit bitter in the casino alone.
If we all just opted out of these ridiculous rules, we might just find ourselves in overwhelming happiness rather than killing precious time. Finding someone who makes you happy is rare, quit trying to play the game and go for the gold.
There’s No Guarantee
Sometime people are meant to pop into our lives like a footprint in the sand. To engulf you with feeling. To Surround you with warmth. To serve as a point of appreciation, a marker for exactly what you needed in that moment. And then to disappear as delicately and deliberately as they appeared.
There will always be particular people that were never meant to be permanent fixtures in our lives. They pose as a spark of light in the darkness and part ways as it was always planned.
We’ve all served as that person to someone, to touch a life and to fade away - maybe into a sunset or something dreamy like that. That spot, that moment, that mark in the sand will always eventually vanish, but not before the ocean kisses it goodbye.
There’s No Such Thing as ‘Normal’
Every single love story is unique. There is no such thing as a normal love. From polygamy to breakups to swinging to trauma, each and every experience with love is its own. The damaging (yet, endearing) role that rom-coms play in our lives should be disregarded as what we are striving for. Comparison is the thief of joy and it’s critical that no matter the relationship, you go into it with the ideal that you make your own ideal. Alain de Botton, founder of The School of Life, dives deep into this concept in a must-listen to episode of the Goop podcast ‘Why Love Starts with Loneliness.’
The reality of relationships is often kept under wraps from the public eye as we each put our epic portrait of ‘normal love’ forward. We can all taste the beauty of love by debunking the narrative of normal we will finally find freedom. We learn the lessons of love by living through the complexity of it all.
Savor the Mundane Moments
Love stories are so often over-simplified into a short and sweet narrative. A montage of marvelous moments that end in happily ever after. That’s not what love is though. Relationships are a portrait of love that can’t be painted within the lines. The reality behind relationships stretches miles further than the highlight reel of Instagram. Those snippets can feel like flashes of light while exploring the dark side of the moon. Only the two of you are there together to feel around and find the way. The funny thing is no matter how well-versed you are in the language of love, every experience with each partner can feel fulfilling, frightening and foreign all at the same time.
What those montages miss are the undocumented moments. The mundanities of a day passed without a flicker of thought to step foot outside of the apartment. Waking up with a serious case of Monday moodiness, pawing at their waist and putting a damper on their day because you selfishly want someone else to sulk with. Dragging them to pick up a piece of furniture, waiting an hour for the warehouse workers to actually get said furniture and catching a serious attitude as you grow hangrier and hangrier. These are the real moments that don’t make the cut for the reel.
Love Yourself First
Prior to learning of the depths of love, you must first dive in with yourself. By showing yourself the respect and admiration you deserve, you’ll learn to expect nothing less from anyone else. For those in a relationship - don’t leave your secret garden unwatered as Esther Perel would say. It’s critical to always make your passions a priority.
By maintaining your sense of autonomy, you will appreciate the precious moments with your partner all the more. As the good ole’ flight attendants always say, put on your oxygen mask before assisting others.
Love Is a Labor
Labor(v.): work hard; make great effort.
“They labored day and night to build a lasting love.”
Yes, love is a labor.
Love is exhilarating.
Love is exhausting.
Love is your passion project, prying your eyes open early and shutting them late in order to give it the attention it both demands and deserves. It’s the taste of reward with the fear of failure all at once. It’s taking judgement far too personally because your heart is so invested. It’s pouring every fiber of yourself into something that all you can do is hope that it’ll be worth it.
Love is your 9-5, a duty, a career, a constant. It’s showing up everyday even when you’d rather change your address to the corner under your bed, never to leave home again. It’s taking something seriously. It’s not only rising to someone’s expectations, but it’s striving to beat them. It’s finding reason to do it for you to avoid a burn out. It’s looking back after all those years as a path to accomplishment, it’s something you created from nothing.
I struggle to call love work, though. It’s worth so much more than that. But a labor? Yes, love is a lasting labor to shows you sides of yourself you never thought possible. It’s exhausting and exhilarating. It’s trying and it’s taxing. But the pay off? It’s so much more than you could imagine.